title-2496156

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 22:05:46 +0200

All I can think about is food. I've got exams tomorrow, exams that count towards my degree, exams I'm woefully underprepared for, and all I want to do is go to Sainsburys, grab as much junk food as I can and come back and eat it all as quickly as possible, and keep on eating. I'll eat beyond the point where I'm full, past the point where I feel sick, past the point where it starts to hurt, and keep on eating till it stops hurting again, then I'll make myself sick before carrying on, forcing the food down my throat, not even tasting it.
There's something very wrong with me.

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title-2441366

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 20:13:11 +0200

Another day passes, another day wasted. Well that's not entirely true - at least I got some work done today, unlike yesterday when I spent the whole time in front of the mirror, trying to make myself look good and waiting for him to call. I'm beginning to accept that actually he's far too good for me, and he doesn't deserve to go through all the shit that being with me would inevitably entail.

I didn't make myself sick after eating lunch today (though I did after dinner and after my post-dinner vending machine binge) - largely because when I was cycling earlier I nearly fainted, which was a little unfortunate as there was a taxi headed straight at me at the time. Maybe that wouldn't have been so unfortunate after all.

Wow, anyone who reads this must want to slap me. Poor little reasonably-well-off, clever, supposedly-pretty girl. How she suffers.

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first entry

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 00:40:05 +0200

So I've finally succombed to the blogging trend. Not that I expect this to be widely read, I'm just feeling the need to share my feelings, and since I'm currently experiencing the repercussions of sharing a little too much with my friends, internet anonymity seems to be the way to go.

My situation: I'm an intelligent, apparently attractive (whether I believe this or not varies wildly depending on my mood) but ridiculously shy twenty-year-old girl. There's a guy I've had a massive crush on for ages and I'm getting increasingly frustrated at my inability to ask him out. I've promised myself that I'll do it next time I see him. Half the problem is I really don't know how he'll react. I know he likes me as a friend, I just don't know whether he feels anything more.

To compound the problem, I've got some serious food issues at the moment. I know, I know, you can't read anything these days without it turning into a discussion of anorexia/bulimia/compulsive eating, till it gets to the point where everyone's pretty bored of talking about it. But I've got into the habit of making myself sick after every time I eat, or very nearly every time. I'm good at crash dieting, I've done it before (this time last year I went from a size 16 to a 12 by starving myself), but I've never managed to make myself sick before, and now I don't even question it, I just automatically do it. I'm terrified that I might get found out, but if I can get down to a size 10 (or in an ideal world, an 8) then it would all be worth it.

At least when I'm starving myself I don't cut. I guess I want to find some way of hurting myself, and starving makes me look better, whereas cutting makes me look worse, so starving is the way to go. I don't think I'm anorexic or bulimic - doesn't your bmi have to be below a certain point for that? But I know this is a fairly fucked up thing to do to myself all the same.

So...back to the guy. I'm just so incredibly drawn to him, I've never felt this level of attraction to anyone before. It's something I can't explain - which always bothers me, as I like to understand everything - all I know is that I light up whenever he's even mentioned, and as for when he's actually there, talking to me...wow. It's odd, because I have male friends that I know are better looking than him, and yet I don't have anything like the same response to them as I do to him.

Maybe it's partly because I know he's one of the few guys out there who could understand and accept all my little issues. He's incredibly easy to talk to - within a week of my meeting him, he knew far more about me than several of my close friends.

I get fixated on the way his hair gets ruffled, or his shirt collar creases, or just how damn geeky he is. I've never fancied geeks. This is weird.

I'm not particularly experienced with guys in general anyway - in fact I've never gotten together with someone while I was sober. This is fairly depressing. Of course it does have more than a little to do with the fact that until I lost all that weight a year ago, I was pretty damn ugly, fat, and socially inept - definitely not a winning combination. Now that I'm apparently quite fit, I don't know how to deal with the attention that I get.

I was supposed to be seeing him this evening - he was going to call to tell me when he was free so I could come over. So I got all prettied up, put on a nice top, did my makeup, generally made quite a bit of an effort. Spent most of this afternoon standing in front of the mirror with a tape measure - this is a ritual I perform several times a day. He didn't call. So now I'm winding myself up, taunting myself for getting all tarted up for no reason, telling myself that of course he would never be interested in an ugly fat loser like me.

So tomorrow will be another day of non-eating then. I just feel so powerful when I manage not to eat, or when I throw up. It's nice to be in control of something. But I worry that if I do it for too long, it will be in control of me instead. I'm already not going to a friend's party tomorrow because I would have to eat lots of cakes and similarly fatty things, and there wouldn't be any chance for me to either avoid eating them or throw up afterwards - it's a tea party in the park. So I'm letting my stupidity stop me from seeing my friends and having a nice afternoon out. Even though I realise how stupid this is.

For a supposedly very intelligent (near genius IQ) girl, I do some very unintelligent things.

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looneytune

title-2496156

title-2441366

first entry